The Bob Barker Approach: Why You Should Have Your Favorite Potential Parent Spayed or Neutered Today!
April 26, 2008 by jarens
One of the things that excites me the most about spring, aside from the wonderful weather and the fact that school is nearing an end, is that local markets have started to carry less-expensive and better-tasting produce. I was honestly giddy to check out the fruit and veggie section at Hy-Vee the other day. Seriously. I was completely thrilled — right up until the point that I was beaned with one of the apples that I had been lustfully eyeing just seconds before. Beaned might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I was definitely hit. By hit, of course, I mean slightly grazed. Still, it wasn’t something that I’ve come to expect to encounter during my weekly grocery runs.
The source of the flying fruit happened to be a short, squat, flushed, pouting mess of a blue-eyed toddler. He looked at me and frowned. I frowned back and briefly considered swearing. The tot’s mom swooped in with an apology. I said I was fine. The tot said ‘hmph’ and scuttled back to the cart with mother in tow. I went back to wandering from isle to isle with visions of kitchen cupboards full of more than cobwebs and ants (See Steve’s Parade of Horribles Part 1) dancing in my head. I thought a little more about my grocery store run-in on the way home and decided that there are some places, okay a lot of places, that parents should be required to visit sans their smaller, louder, and dirtier counterparts. I’ve included a couple of the more obvious below.
- Museums: Yeah, yeah…kids should learn to appreciate art too. Whatever. At least wait until your little genius is old enough to care more about the contents of the museum than the contents of its snack-bar. Seriously, if your kid can’t even say ‘museum’ leave him at home. It’s too soon. Accept it. Your visit will be better if you leave the little guy behind. So will everyone else’s.
- Coffee Shops: It’s cool to drop in and grab a cup of joe with your tot by your side. No shame in that game. God knows you need the caffeine. However, if you plan on staying for an extended period of time, say long enough to read the newest People cover-to-cover, come on your own. Or bring a friend. Just make sure that friend is an adult or at least an angsty teen who no longer wishes to communicate through modes other than cell phone text. Coffee shops are for studying and peaceful conversation. They aren’t for children.
If you must bring the kid, remember that the entire coffee shop doesn’t automatically become your on-the-spot babysitting service. I once had a mother nonchalantly shrug and grin at me from several tables away as her little bundle-of-joy slammed two grubby paws onto my laptop’s keyboard while shrieking something about Lord Voldemort. Kids go with coffee shops like Britney Spears goes with well-groomed sophisticated men: not at all. Leave ‘em at home. -
‘Special’ Massage Parlors: Okay, I’ve never actually heard of this one happening in the real world. It did happen on Weeds. Awesome show. Shameless plug. Check it out.
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Public: Harsh? Maybe, but I’m a law student. I need more than a little R and R when I walk away from that sadness that is the BLB at the end of the day. I could stay home. I prefer to expect hushed conversation and general calmness from those who happen to be frequenting the same sidewalk, store, restaurant as me. When it comes to public places, kids are like second-hand smoke. Both completely destroy people’s ability to peacefully coexistence. Both should be banned… or, at the very least, confined to casino gaming floors and fenced-in daycares. I’m totally indifferent as to which goes where.
Steve Wieland
fsford
timhilton
smahieu
Morgan N. Engling
maryiowa
jaimiesuzi
jarens
kevinjames
brieanne
lcm
Andrew
sandista
enwinfield
i find this post very offensive. secondhand smoke does not destroy our ability to peacefully coexist, jaren.
requiring me to smoke in a day care is cruel and inhumane punishment prohibited by the 8th amendment. for me, of course. not the kids. kids love me. inexplicably.
also, and i’m truly procrastinating at this point, this post might motivate me to blog on one of my pet peeves: how a lack of interest in children is perceived as cold and heartless and somehow disrespectful to those women who choose to have them. um, NO. i just don’t care about kids. at least not until they’re old enough to laugh at my jokes.
ON the other hand, if kids don’t get out of the house and get socialized in society early, then they turn into that angsty teenage texter. They should all just be like I was when I was a child: 20 years old. Until I turned 21.
Or old enough to hit on… What’s the magic age for you, sandista? 14?
Nice Weeds plug. Excellent show that everyone should watch this summer - the DVDs are only like $20/season.
jaren, that’s a fair question which i’ve given much thought. i’ll take this opportunity to set the record straight: the magical age is 21. they have to be old enough to buy me alcohol.
OBVIOUSLY.
I have a shirt that says “I Hate Your Kids.” I wear it as much as possible when going to the public library. There’s nothing I hate more than trying to study and having eight four-year-olds screaming for their Dora the Explorer books.
Also Weeds = teh b0mb.
As anyone who knows me can attest, I strongly support post-birth abortions up to age 8.
I can’t wait until you’re babysitting my children and various animals someday. I can only imagine the plethora of swear words they’ll learn from Aunt Jaren and Uncle Steve!
I’m going to defend the babies here, because I love them!!! Obviously an annoying baby throwing fruit, not so great. But the grocery store is not a place I would say parents shouldn’t take their kids. Coffee shops, makes sense. The other thing is that there isn’t always a babysitter and it sucks to be a parent and not able to go out to dinner because you have to get your babysitter like two weeks in advance and he/she doesn’t want to give up Saturday night either. (not like I know that feeling personally, but we have friends in that situation).
Okay, obviously I realize that people have kids and can’t always find babysitters. I don’t really expect parents to keep their kids locked up in their homes. I made some fairly overbroad statements (i.e. kids should not be allowed in public), but it was in good humor. I’m completely cool with kids. The post was really directed at parents who drag their kids out and about and then don’t take responsibility for them once they get to wherever they’re going. Kids are kids. Parents are adults and it’s up to them to make sure that their kids behave appropriately in public. The post was directed more at bad parents than bad kids, although, I did write in an off-handed way… Also, come on… it was supposed to be something to laugh at. I talk about taking kids to hand-job shops and compare them to second-hand smoke… I really hope no one thought I was being literal about that. Except for you Sandy - I understand why you were offended and completely apologize (and please don’t quit bumming to me when I have drunken nicotine fits).
Also, to whom it may concern: I may occasionally misuse sports terminology (OMG, I should be stoned… better yet, beaned), but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t make it outside as a kid. My little league team was undefeated when I was in third grade. UNDEFEATED! I refuse to believe that our record had anything to do with the fact that our coach bought us ice cream every time we walked away with a win. You can believe whatever you want.
i’m actually a little disappointed the anonymous comment got deleted. mostly because i don’t like it when people are mean to jaren. i’d planned a very snarky response in which i’d deconstructed the (faulty) logical syllogism behind their comment.
just know that i had your back, Jare!
I’m down for debate, Morgan. I just wanted to make sure that my actual stance on the subject was clear. I do like kids. I also think there are a lot of crappy parents out there who don’t take responsibility for their kids. It’s usually those kids who invade my personal bubble (which I’m pretty protective of) and drive me nuts.
Jaren,
I meant no offense, and I’m sorry. I now know the rules of blogging.
AFRO (Father of two with one on the way)