Whenever I Have Something Important To Say, I Use Facebook
April 27, 2008 by sandista
Listen. I have 269 Facebook friends. And I’m best friends with all of them—every single one. It’s how I know that people like me. I mean, why else would you have 269 Facebook friends? It’s practically an Army of Me.
Each one of my Facebook friends is important to me. I know their activities, interests, favorite movies and even their favorite books. Perusing someone’s favorite quotes is like tunnel vision straight into their soul. It’s not always pretty, but I can see it.
About once a day, I update my Facebook profile. It’s an important endeavor. After all we’ve been through together—the launch of the Newsfeed, the complicated privacy settings, facebook chat, the bumper sticker application—the least I can offer my best friends forever is a daily update on my favorite quotes.
Sometimes, I write funny things on their “Wall.” Some might mistake this for me being generally self-amused. Not true. I want my best friends to know I’m thinking of them. And what better way than a wall post? Facebooking someone during class is the most sincere expression of the importance—and relevance—of their friendship. Nothing conveys depth and commitment like:
“cute profile pic!”
Or perhaps:
“ahahahaha i love that website too! LOL.”
Or my oft-employed personal favorite:
“(me + you + booze)/tonite = the plan”
A few seconds of your time is all it takes to spread Facebook love to those who mean the most. Ever the humanitarian, I’m happy to accept this noble task and charge ahead with reckless abandon, leaving my grubby little ditigal pawprint splayed across every Facebook wall I encounter. Call me crazy. Call me anything you like. Just never make the mistake of saying I don’t care about my 269 closest friends.
Because all 269 of my Facebook friends are going to be in my wedding someday, it’s important to keep the list as narrow and meaningful as possible. In doing so, don’t overlook the power of a passive aggressive punch on Facebook.
If you really want to send a message, use a Facebook application. Upset? Drop that person from your ‘Top Friends.’ Ouch! No email or heart-to-heart could possibly convey your feelings as powerfully as ousting someone from Top Friend status! Angry? Let them know what you really think by limiting your profile. And if you’re truly ready to sink the knife of superficiality in as far as the internet will allow, de-friend them.
I know it sounds rash. What treacherous injustice could slay a casual acquaintance so badly as to cause you to de-friend someone? It’s an important decision that must not be taken lightly.
Think through the ramifications. What will you do without their hourly status updates? How will you pass the time if you’re unable to comment on the 73 pictures of the super duper awesomely mcawesome time they had on Friday night? No more private messages, no more games of scrabble… you get the idea. The repercussions of this decision will haunt you longer than your decision to go to afterhours the night before Bauer’s Civ Pro exam. And we all know how that turned out.
Oh, wait. Maybe that was just me? Well, then . . . use your imagination.
Steve Wieland
fsford
timhilton
smahieu
Morgan N. Engling
maryiowa
jaimiesuzi
jarens
kevinjames
brieanne
lcm
Andrew
sandista
enwinfield
I just woke up in dread, fearing for my very existence (or at least my JD).
If I never appear in another law student’s facebook photo album, did I ever even go?
True, the quotes are a great way to evaluate the quality of your friend’s soul and intellect.
But don’t overlook favorite movies. If I see someone with the same favorite movie as me (or maybe 2 out of 7), I know there’s a pretty good chance we’re going to be BFF.
As a result, I will graffiti his fun wall accordingly.
Do Facebook wall posts AND gchatting during the same class memorialize an even greater friendship than can be achieved through Facebook alone?
i agree, nick. of course, the real soulmate trifecta is reflected by a symbiotic favorite books, movies AND quotes section. that’s when you know you’re truly staring down your intellectual equal. commence super pokin’.
steve, there can be no doubt that simultaneous gchatting and facebooking in class memorialize an even greater friendship. which is why i’ve been meaning to ask: if i ever get married, will you be my maid of honor?
i’m so glad you care about me. when choosing bridesmaids dresses, could you choose something flattering for my 34As? i’m having a real ish with the current dresses i have to wear. thanks!
(soulmater trifecta thing + simultaneous g chatting/wallwriting) /super pokin’ = funny stuff.
Nothing says love like a bumper sticker war.
no need to worry, sara! i promise you the rainbow-colored sequins i’ve chosen will flatter each one of my bridesmaids. once you add the hat with the peacock feathers, no one will even be looking at your chest!