A feral dog gnaws on human flesh in University Heights, recently declared an uninhabitable hellscape by me.

Today, November 2, 2008, I declare University Heights, Iowa, to be completely inhospitable to human life. 

This municipality must now be completely absorbed into Iowa City, the mother womb city from which it came.  No man, woman, or child shall further dwell in this wretched land, nor shall motorists be further allowed to pass through here on their way to the expressway.  No person shall ever utter the name of this sordid locality. 

This declaration is based on the following grounds:

Count I: Zoning Laws That Are Total Buzzkills

University Heights has zoned many of its residential areas as single-family homes, prohibiting any more than two unrelated people from living in the same household.  The intent is to keep unmarried couples and college kids out of the neighborhood.  The practical effect is that I, an adult in a permanent committed relationship with my fiancee, cannot legally share a house with her because I still live with a vagrant college friend.  So, now that I think about it, this rule may be for her own good.

Irretrievably ugly children at play in University Heights.

Count II: Ugly Children

It is true.  University Heights is populated by the ugliest, most repulsive children.  Although I have little hard evidence to work with, my backyard does border the neighborhood elementary school.  Judging by the girlish shrieking I hear every morning from the schoolyard, coupled with the fact that packs of schoolkids flee the school with all their energy every afternoon, I can only assume that some hideous monster children dwell up there. 

I am also fairly certain I spotted an ugly child running around in a bright-yellow Pooh-Bear costume on Friday night.  He was no doubt dressed that way by his parents to cover up his deformed features.

Count III: Ungrateful Children

Compounding their ugliness, University Heights is home to the most ungrateful children.  At least one home in the neighborhood has an eight-foot-tall DVD projection screen in its backyard, yet it sits unused, probably because the ungrateful child owners are too busy ungratefully eating sweetened cereals.

Count IV: Passive-Aggressive Zombie Neighbors

University Heights is governed by a labyrinth of arcane rules and laws.  Like restless zombies, the neighbors regularly grow tired of consuming organic produce and stagger out into the land of the living to file police reports on the rest of us for minor municipal infractions.  Woe be to anyone who has failed to clear the ice off of their sidewalks or who plans on holding an outdoor gatherings of more than three people after 8:00 p.m.

Worse, recently a friend visiting us from out of town left his Jeep parked overnight in the driveway such that the rear bike rack hung over the sidewalk.  Apparently only able to claw out of their graves late at night, and apparently only able to communicate through printed notes with questionable grammar, a passive-aggressive zombie neighbor left the following note on our friend’s car:

Parking in the sidewalk is dangerous and illegal, especially with the dark bike rack sticking out unseen.  If the police see your car they will ticket it for this.  Just trying to save you the cost and aggravation, as well as prevent people from being injured.

The note was in 14-point Times New Roman font, a classic choice among passive-aggressive neighbors.  Although we do not know exactly who left the note, he undoubtedly is responsible for the missing political yardsigns in the area.

Count V: Megalomaniacal Police

The Fourth Amendment and the laws of Karma do not apply in University Heights.  This allows the city to maintain the entire population of North Liberty as full-time police officers and pay them solely with the income generated by ticketing every third hapless victim who wanders into this city.  Among the UHPD’s favorite weapons: the $100 expired license plate tag ticket and the $200 seatbelt ticket.  No mercy is shown to the poor, elderly or to the invalid.